So, let’s have a look at some tactics that I’ve used over the years in an attempt to fight shyness.
To begin with, don’t employ the standard method of picturing anyone naked. It certainly doesn’t work for me anyway. Firstly, that’s not a pleasant tactic if you’re at a family party! And secondly, when I look down at myself, I find that, in my head, I’m also naked!
Go slow
Because you tend to lose control of your body when in the grip of shyness, it’s best to slow everything right down. Gradually reduce the speed of your whole body. If you happen to be a TV survival expert, lower you heartbeat too. Walk in slow motion. If you walk and do all your motions slowly, you will greatly reduce your chances of falling over (like Jim Dale in ‘Carry on Doctor’.. be watchful for any hospital trollies in your path!). The last thing you want to do is stumble and knock into anyone you shouldn’t, drawing unwanted attention to yourself.
It’s tricky concentrating on slowing yourself down. Especially walking. But it definitely helps control the anxiety. As I’ve often said to myself; “ease down Ripley..ease down. You’re just grinding metal”. Using a mantra, like that quote from the classic movie ‘Aliens’, calms me down somewhat. Slowing down allows you to take in your surroundings. Think of the situation you’re in as being like playing a sport. Slowing the game down helps you ‘take in the room’ and better decide and implement what you are going to do next. What you are going to say next. Where you are going to put your foot next. Or your hand. Your limbs can develop minds of their own when you are gripped by shyness. Slowing yourself down pulls in the reigns on that bucking bronco of a body of yours.
I also slow down my talking. Not in a way that makes it look like my batteries are running low, but instead by increasing, in time, the gaps between my words and sentences. But again, being careful not to make it look like my circuits have fried mid-sentence. So long as you can still keep the sentences flowing, just slower and more thoughtful, giving yourself time to think, you’ll be less likely to trip over your words and say absolutely the thing that you most definitely shouldn’t!
Look up
It’s tempting to stare at your feet and gingerly look up, all coyly, like a Princess, when confronting the people types that totally surround you. But when you’re a bum scratching bloke, the image of a demure nervous young lady doesn’t work quite so well. So look up. Not only do you look tough when staring a lion in the eye, or Auntie Nora, or whoever. Not only do you look tough, but you also take in the room. Breathe it in. Inhale the room like it's fresh air on a mid-summer's rainy morning.
I’ve found that looking at the ceiling, taking in where the four corners of the room are, quickly studying all the furniture and numbers/whereabouts of people, makes the room seem smaller to me. It's a bit like completing a jigsaw puzzle. Corners first, then the sides. Knowing your surroundings, where the limits of the room are, makes you feel bigger within it and helps to makes those nasty loud areas, where the trendy people hang out, a bit less scary. Every room with a lot of people has one of those areas. By simply looking at the area with you HUD (Heads-Up Display), like the Terminator, you'll feel more comfortable with it. Like the spider that you can see clearly, rather than the one you can't. Information is King. Scan the trendy zone...scan the room...but don't terminate anyone!
Imagine what's outside the room; what's outside the building. Look down on the tiny building from above. See how insignificant the building and It's contents are. Imagine that you and your ego are almost too big to fit inside it.
Once you have a handle on the room, you need to focus on the small blobby things moving around inside it. Mark your targets. Recognise any threats. Study the people around you, rather than trying to not look at them. If you are still staring at an area of ground a couple of metres in front of your feet, the sounds of the unseen room, above your eyeline and to either side, will sound more menacing. Like being the other side of a door and not wanting to open it because of the noise coming from the other side.
‘Taking in the room’ is of course a tactic used by many people, for differing reasons. It really helps for shy fighting.
Stand tall
An obvious one. Nothing new here. But it works. We are animals after all. You can dominate someone just by being taller than them. However ‘party confident’ they may appear, you can earn some serious ‘status credit’ just by having a straight back and lifting yourself up off your heels somewhat.
Gain the high ground. Just a few centimetres is enough to make those around you think more of you. It’s daft, I know, but true. Height is up there with salary, when it comes to grading people. And the more you notice someone showing you more respect, the more confident and less shy you will instantly become. Certainly for me, shyness is mostly caused by my perception of what other people think of me. So if I can feel the respect coming off someone just because I’m doing a bit of pointe work with my toes, then I become almost comfortable in the room. Well, with the exception of my toes of course.
The other thing standing tall does is it raises your head out of the scary crowd. Like Bilbo Baggins climbing that tree and raising his head above the tree canopy in ‘The Hobbit’. Breathe in that clearer, less stifling atmosphere. And, just like Bilbo, you’ll be able to see the edge of the forest and; as discussed above; be able to take in the room.
Legs apart
It’s a fact. I’ve studied it. The more confident a party goer is, the further apart their legs are. With some people it’s comical to watch. Standing by a fireplace, talking typical party talk; money, what car you’re currently driving, laughing loudly at every joke. I seriously wonder sometimes if these people are suffering for their art. It must hurt after a while. You could pull a hamstring, or something. But it’s worth trying. If you don’t go too far that is.
Be warned though. Spreading your legs can have damaging consequences. You lose height. It’s basic science. Newton’s third law. For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. (He must have come up with that at a party). You sacrifice a certain amount of height due to the spread of your legs. It’s important to get the calculation right. A good balance between leg spread and height. And of course, you need the height to sacrifice in the first place. So better not to do the splits unless you are at least 6 foot 1.
Talking about science, serious leg parters have to compensate by bending over backwards. I’m not sure how that balances it out. I would have thought that bending forwards would be better (I’ve tried). But my observations of these ‘leg parters’ say otherwise. Something to do with thrusting your ‘confidence’ at people, maybe. But anyway, it seems to work wonders. Try it for yourself. It might look ridiculous, but people will look at you with respect if you do it. Especially at a party. And especially whilst standing by a fireplace, if you can find one.
So…legs apart, thrusting your confidence at those unfortunate enough to be standing in front of you. Just be careful about being too pantomime about it, and watch out for any strains and sprains.
I don’t know if all this means that it’s dangerous to be overly confident, but I guess it could be. Painfully so.
That’ll do for now. Don’t want to blow all my overcoming shyness tactics in one go. I’ll save some others for a future chapter.
