2. Weddings

The Wedding.  The Monster Truck of all Parties.  The Big Boss fight.  God's teeth, what a monster!  My Holmes to your Moriarty.  Damn your hide sir!..if it is not the toughest test one can have set upon themselves.  I exaggerate not.

The wedding is indeed the true nemesis of every shy person. Well, certainly me anyway. I have done my best to avoid them over the years.  

I've only been to six weddings in the past 49 years. My own wedding was a very quiet affair. So intentionally low key that I almost forgot to go to it myself. Only four people were present, including the bride and groom! Everyone else wets themselves with excitement when they get invited to a wedding, but to a shyfighter, it's a deadly trap. Once invited, you can't say no. Being called up for National Service, or jury detail; neither have the same force as a wedding order...ah...I mean 'invite'. There's this unspoken rule that a wedding 'invite' is more important than life itself. Daft, but try telling that to your blokey mate. So a shyfighter has no choice other than to just get on with it. 

At weddings, I always feel like I'm the bride. Everyone is staring at me. No matter how silly that sounds. And no matter how similar I look to all the other penguins in their cheerful black costumes. All it takes is for one person to rest their eyes on me for an instant and I feel like the whole World is watching me.

Each wedding I go to I get better at it, but it's still oh so difficult to deal with. I think that, to date, at age 50, I've managed to only go to 6 weddings. Quite an achievement that. I know of people that do that many in a month! During 'wedding season' anyway. 

As you turn up at the church, or wherever, you have to immediately deal with the main hurdle of the day; Milling. Having to hang about aimlessly with other people hanging about, has always been very awkward for me. I would rather nail myself to a chair and table somewhere. A shy person always looks awkward and clumsy when standing, not doing anything. At least that's what I always believe.

 As with any party, you have to perform this synchronised milling dance. Most people effortlessly move from one conversation to the other, criss-crossing paths with people in the crowd. It's like watching the Red Arrows display team. Or like being in the middle of a high society Victorian formal ball dance.."may I have the next chat sir?" All the dancers smoothly shifting from one conversation with one person, to exactly the same conversation with another. To a shyfighter however, it's a car crash waiting to happen. Like running across a motorway with your eyes shut. You stumble about aimlessly. Bumping into people. Terrified of getting eye contact with those that you know, but rarely speak to. Not because you dislike them in any way, but because then you would have to grin mercilessly at them in acknowledgment. 

The above mentioned 'milling dance' normally takes place at the beginning of the wedding. Always the worst time during the event. Things tend to generally get better as time goes on and people get drunk. I tend to think that they are not staring at me and judging me as much then.

Sitting for the ceremony is a blissful respite from the horrors of milling. But you know that come the reception, you'll have to start milling again, until you can swim through those shark infested waters to a raft of some description. Maybe a piece of driftwood, or an unoccupied inflatable dingy. But most likely a round table or sorts. With some chairs.

Back to milling; you have to keep moving when attempting to mill. If you stop, you might get stuck standing next to someone, just as the person they were talking to (about their job/cars/how wonderful Stephen Fry is etc), dances off into the crowd to repeat the same lines to someone else. Suddenly they are stuck with you. And that's the issue. The fear for shyfighters isn't about getting stuck with someone yourself. It's about them getting stuck with you! It's an awful feeling when you know that the person standing next to you would rather be anywhere else. Frustrating too, because you know that you're a witty respected fellow in other more comfortable surroundings, but here, shyness has turned you into the most boring and uninteresting person imaginable. And if you only see these people at parties, their opinion of you will always be very low.

Milling mainly happens in the kitchen of course. For whatever reason. Everyone standing, despite the empty chairs. Shyfighters always like to sit down. It avoids the awkwardness of standing; looking like you're waiting to be picked up for a chat. I always feel like I'm about two foot taller than everyone else. They're all looking at me. Wondering why I'm standing still and not joining in with the endless chat about money that's going on around me. 

For some reason, as soon as I sit down, I feel better. I cool down. The prickly heat ebbs away. Hopefully no one sits next to you for a pity chat. That's the issue with sitting on your own. People feel sorry for you and come over for a chat. Knowing it's a pity chat just makes your skin itch again. Your confidence gets a beating once more. A charity case, when you are not. It really doesn't help, because I for one like sitting on my own, people watching. But you can't be rude to them when they're just trying to be nice.

In one of the 6 weddings I attended, I was the official videographer. Unofficially official anyway. They had no one else doing video. It helped me immensely, being able to hide behind the camera. Unfortunately I could still be seen behind it, but I always either had my face half covered, or I was looking down at the screen, reviewing footage. I was able to stand in one spot and not feel awkward, because I was doing something. 

Someone who doesn't experience any shyness at all can stand perfectly still, with people walking around them, a completely impassive look on their face. But because they don't feel shy, they actually look relaxed and in control. I, on the other hand, would worry about looking awkward and so would take on the physical appearance of a shifty Stan Laurel. The camera gave me a purpose. A reason for standing still on my own. As a ShyFighter, I feel the need to look like I have a purpose, if just hanging about on my own. 

I wish I could be one of those people who can make impassive standing look great. But I'm getting better at it all the time. I can force my self to calm down. To cool down. Hopefully it doesn't look as forced on the outside as it is on the inside!

It's immensely difficult turning around the opinions of those that only ever see you in party situations. They don't realise how much you're suffering and how it isn't the real you. But you can't just tell them that. You have to slowly introduce them to the real you, as you gradually overcome shyness with age and experience. 

1. Alone

You feel so alone when dealing with shyness. Everyone around you seems like an extrovert. You don’t see any truly shy people, because they’re invisible. Just like you. Hiding. Tucked away in corners. Trying to be inconspicuous. Unnoticeable. But feeling in themselves that they are lit up like a Christmas tree; drawing attention from everywhere. The heat..the glare from any lights hitting you like stage lights at the Old Vic. The centre of all attention, but alone. Totally alone.

We are always hearing people talk about how shy they were when younger. Especially celebrities. It’s become super duper trendy for people to say how shy and quiet they were when younger. Especially if they are seen as the opposite now. But in my experience, by far and away the majority of people don’t encounter crippling shyness at all. Casual shyness, as opposed to crippling shyness, is like the difference between being depressed and clinical depression. Few suffer from it, making that feeling of loneliness even stronger.

Everyone must surely experience shyness to some extent, in certain situations, but it’s more rare for it to be a big part of your life. So if you spend a period of your life hampered by severe shyness, as I was in my teens and early twenties, you most certainly feel alone. Alone and weird. Though as an adult, you learn to appreciate that 'weirdness'. The World would be a great place if everyone was just a little bit weird.

The feeling of loneliness that a shy person can get is a strange one, because, whilst feeling isolated and alone; on the outside looking in; ignored, uninteresting and unnoticed. Despite that, you also feel the opposite sensation; that everyone is looking at you. Staring at you. fascinated by you. Staring at you and not noticing you at the same time. Noticing every step you take, whilst at the same time not seeing you at all. It's an odd contradictory sensation that greets everyone who experiences heavy duty shyness. 

It’s the rest of the World and you. Although of course it isn’t. I make a point of telling myself what a wise old wizard once told me; that you yourself are the only person aware of your own inner doubts and insecurities. As you can’t read anyone else’s mind, you assume that the cool, calm exteriors of all those people that you see around you are mirrored by their internal situation. But we all have insecurities. Someone else looking at you would think that you were cool and calm inside, whilst they internally fight their own demons, unable to see anyone else’s inner strife. Even super cool movie celebs! You would be part of the crowd for them. Not a lone figure sticking out, as you believe yourself to be. But it’s super hard to tell yourself that. To convince yourself of that at the time. Like having the hallucination of spiders crawling on you, but telling yourself that it’s not real. Very difficult. 

So though you may be somewhat alone with the high level of shyness you suffer from, as far as internal strife and insecurities are concerned, you/we are most definitely not alone.

Introduction

Hello..

I, like many people out there, have spent a lifetime being terrorised by the crippling condition commonly referred to as shyness.

Living with shyness feels like you're stumbling around your bedroom, trying to get an overly tight jumper over your head. Hampered and unable to see properly. Panicking at the thought that people can see you struggling. (A literal example of this will follow in a future chapter).

This written piece is an attempt by me, a middle aged husband and dad of two kids in single figures, to share my experiences of shyness and convey certain tactics that I have developed to deal with the dastardly condition. Experiences that can be both hilarious and terrifying at the same time. With me experiencing the terror and any perceived onlookers experiencing the hilarity.

I was mostly affected by shyness between the ages of 10 and 25. But there are still pockets of shyness that affect me greatly. like the melting of snow after a big fall. Some areas will be completely free of snow, but there will still be some deep pockets of the white stuff in shaded corners. I still have many shaded corners. The dreaded 'party' being one such pocket of snow!

I'll also address the unusual positive effects of shyness that I believe can be utilised. Getting any positivity out of a shyness episode can be tough. Like hanging onto the tail of an enraged bull. But it's possible, with some self training.

This is in no way a scientific approach to the shyness phenomena. No PHDs here. It's a personal account, that hopefully resonates with other shyfighters out there. The bare bones of experience, is what I'm revealing here.